Amy's diary

3 years later im back on the same path.

2009-09-19T23:09:20Z

well here i am 3 years down the line and i am suddenly back on the path i thought i had left behind. for all the hurt and the heartache to return with such force has left me broken. for all the years i have wished and longed for wayne to walk back into my life for all the tears i have cried for all the picking up of peices ive had to do. for him to leave and to not say goodbye. and yet from that very first day i saw his smile until this day i have loved him. and nw i know that he is not so far away i feel like i am staring down a long road where there is no options, no end and no direction. my heart is screaming to follow him take the chance but my head is in turn pinning my feet to the ground.and as i stand here i see all the broken promises all the tears, all the memories one after another rushing through me. and then i catch a glimpse of that smile, those eye. and i want to run. i can still feel his touch to this day. why hasnt it gone away yet? still hurts when its heals. i thought my heart was stronger- but it crashed again. and that smile... i feel like every part of my body is awash with im from thoughts to smell to touch to taste.x

its been a while.

2008-05-30T17:49:37Z

well its been almost a year since i last wrote here. alot has changed. i have had a baby hes 7 weeks old today hes called oakley. hes beautiful.

i was just reading my last entry "waynes back" made me cry, such hope and expectation i remember that day like it was yesterday the feeling of hope and the anxiousness about what might be. the hardest part though is dealing with the heart break that he left me with once again, he never came. it was surreal. i watched my life spiral out of control as the hours passed away while i sat and waited for him clinging to the hope that my heart was right and that my head was wrong. i was a fool. once again wayne walked into my life and turned it upside down with 3 little words "i'll be there" i thought id hit rock bottom before but how wrong i was. it would appear i had further too fall. and fall i did. you see the day i found out i was pregnant was the day wayne told me hed split up with his girlfriend and with that look on his face that said it was too late we'd missed our chance again. he said as much too but not too me to a girl we know she said hed missed his chance with me and he reluctantly agreed. i saw him when oakley was 10days old and he just said hi he didnt come over or anything. ive lost him forever and i could honestly scream with the heartache i feel every day. i long for him. i think that he has left the site now. the last few houses are built and sold. i knew this day would come but i never truely believed hed be gone. all im left with is a street of memories and a longing and sadness knowing i have lost the one man i truely love. i close my eyes and hes there, picturing his smile is both torture and a comfort. knowing i was once in his arms is amazing but knowing i'll never be there again is excrutiating. i feel like he has taken all of me with him and im left with a hollow shell. if you love someone you should set them free isnt that what they say? i did. i know ive lost him forever and yet i cant truely believe it. the fighter in me screams find him.. make it work. then the other side says let him go. forget. i live each day in a world of wondering. wondering where he is. if i'll see him. will i ever see him again?

to have loved and lost is the hardest and most awful pain. it has been 3 years now and i stillfeel as heartbroken now as i did on the day it ended. where do i go from here???? id give anything for just one night with him. though i know in my heart that would never be enough. x

waynes back

2007-06-04T21:18:16Z

oh my gosh where do i start. i knew it was all weight related. well that and a confidence thing, its funny though that having lost over a stone wayne is back on the scene, im the same size as i was when i met him 2 years ago. hes meant to be coming to my house tomorow lunch time.i am praying that he will come, hel devastate me and break my heart all over again if he doesnt.
we hadnt spoken properly in ages like seriously ages and so when i saw him today i thought its really now or never. i think that it had helped that i had had a drink or 4 to be more precise bit of dutch courage as they say!! but never the less i saw him and i called him ver i said hi ya gorgeouse its been a while since ive seen ya, he said "you alright" i was like yeahh except i miss you and i asked how his girlfriend is and he said that they are only just together he said shes nice to look at but us women are all the same on the inside- i said that were not hes just chosing the wrong women. i told him how much id missed him and how hurt id been and how id love to be anything to him- i meam ive given him two years of space and now i hope that he is ready to come back even if it just for a while. i need to be with him, even if its just for closure cos we ended so suddenly before and ive never moved on cos he never really let me. its either the end of something or the start of something but what ever it is it cant be worse than this- this place thats neither here nor there. its got to be. please god let him come tomorow. please.

ames2001 @ 2007-03-12T22:29:00

2007-03-12T22:53:18Z

god i feel so so low- my emotions are like a rollercoster at the moment one minute im so high and the next i feel like im spriraling through a black hole! i didnt get on the scales today i havent been on since saturday- i just couldnt face the dissapointment. i felt heavy- i was really pissed off with myself yesterday- i had to have dinner at my mums it was spagettie bolognase like a zillion callories especially my mums recipe!!! any way my plan was to leave like tem mins after dinner then rush home and purge , only my little boy wanted to play in the garden somemore and i could hardly drag him away he was having a great time, i couldnt purge at mums coz she has been through all this with me once before when i was 13-15yrs old and it broke her heart -though at the time i never saw it that way (you see things differently when you have kids of your own!) so it was about an hour before i actually got home- i tried to be sick but nothing- well nothing that was worth the effort!!! i tried and tried and all i got was a sore throat for my efforts i was devastated to say the least! i now know why to purge succesfully it has to be done within 20 minutes. as a result i woke up thismorning really low and depressed and what did i do- eat- well i made some cereal had 3 tea spoon fulls and then threw it away and had two slices of weight watchers toast which was a masive 150 cals less than the cereal!!! i purged after my lunch too and majorly after my dinner tonight. i wish that i had the ability to just not eat it in the first place! i was very sick tonight which was great but i sobbed and sobbed after. i felt like punching the reflection in the mirror it stares back at me and i feel like it taunts me you know- like it is laughing at me. im going mad i think.

the tierdness is driving me mad though and the mood swings are horrendous i feel like i am walking on egg shells trying to avoid my own inner self incase i sink back into a self loathing-depressive mood. i feel empty and yet truely burdened. i feel like i have this massive weight on my shoulders thats suffocating me and sucking all the life out of me . i feel like for every step that i take the road gets that little bit longer-its as though i get round one corner to find there is another one waiting in the distance. and where does this road go? does it have an end? i feel like there are millions of things flying around in my head but they make no sence- its just asthough my head is filled with random things that are causing me to just drift in slow motion through this day. i feel like i am drowning. i feel like i can hear everyone around me but im sinking further and further and i cant get back to them, i think i have actually stoped trying. i feel like these feelings have consumed me, gripping my body and soul tighter and tighter as each hour passes. i feel like everything that once made me who i am has been torn away leaving me exposed and empty. i feel abandoned by my self and yet lost in all the things going on around me. its asif the world is still spinning around me but i am standing still watching.

ames2001 @ 2007-03-07T21:03:00

2007-03-07T21:11:54Z

i have felt like ive failed on several occasions over the last two days or so but i have partly redemed my self by purging all the time, i am so foccused on doing that now that it seems i just cant have the food in my stomach for any longer than ten minutes- finally its gripped me again- i feel like something else is doing this for me- controlling my actions and making me see the truth- making me numb to the hunger and when i fall showing me the road to make it right- mainly the direction of the nearest toilet!!! but i feel exhilarated when im doing it- i see myself after wards and im sore- pale and eyes puffy and red but its what i deserve- if i cant resist the temptaion then this is the result.

i love this feeling- but oh so tiered- so so so tiered like you wouldnt believe and restless i cant sit still im bored all the time- but focused with it- i plan my days filled with time away from food as much as possible.

i know im losing weight the scales tell me i am not that i really see what they say- its still too high too fat i still feel myself which means im still big- but i have no doubt that i will be thin- i will no longer hide behind myself- i wont be lost in this disgusting body. i will be free.

i am so tiered i could cry. i ache. i feel empty. lonely. lost. i could sigh a million sighs and still be no closer to feeling better. i dont know who i really am.

ames2001 @ 2007-03-01T17:22:00

2007-03-01T17:47:16Z

the saddest thing is that i feel so lost at the moment. its like i dont know where the real me is- i caught a glimpse of her when i was really thin but i let her go- i just couldnt hang on to her- i was happy . at the time though i remember thinking that i had a mountain to climb before i was even mildly attractive.i should have been enjoying the me i should be but i couldnt see that.

i look in the mirror and all i see is a stranger staring back at me- its like this reflection has robbed me of myself and i feel like i have been bulied out of being thin and instead forced into this state that i have become. its like its sucked all the life out of me along with my confidence and happiness. every day i stand infron of the mirror hoping to see the reflection change- to actually recognise the person staring back at me. what have i become? instead this ugly being stares back choking what little life i have left out of me. my saving grace though recently is the voice i hear when im near food telling me "dont eat it..you dont need it " "be strong you are better than that" it used to be drowned out by the voice that said "go on eat it your fat any way" it haunted me and at times still does but i love hearing this other voice i even listen out for it when im tempted by food- i know it wont let me down it will help me through. i guess i sound like im mad dont i. just saying it how i see things. i just wish this empty feeling and sence of not belonging would fade- i know that after a while as the pounds come of the reflection will change and eventually ill be free of this prison- of this body that is suffocating me- then watch me fly- light as air.

ames2001 @ 2007-03-01T16:08:00

2007-03-01T16:19:56Z

have had an ok day today- have had 410 cals in total which for me is good- ive been keeping myself busy with wedding magazines and with my friend being over this morning it meant i wasnt thinking about food. i think the cals might be less that that as i had a muller rice thing but was sick after wards i feel alot more in control when ive read the posts on here- it motivated me to purge actually! im pleased that i did i feel stronger somehow. well this is the thing- i need to get it together and fast as i have a wedding to go to on the 5th may thats 8 weeks i expect to be back in my little jeans by then!!!! (unfortunatly they are packed away in a suitcase in our garage along with all my tiny tops- but they spur me on- i refuse to be "the fat one" at the wedding.
ive been getting these pains in my ribs and chest recently i think its coz i keep being sick all the time- but no pain no gain as they say- im not weighing my self for a whole week now- i know its ages away but its time of the month for me and i always carry water so im told!! but never the less i dont need to take 3 steps forward and 10 back so im gunna wait a week then hopefully be pleased with my scales rather than them look up at me in disgust!!!!

ames2001 @ 2007-02-28T22:14:00

2007-02-28T22:22:12Z

ive got to get myself under control- i cant keep having shit days- i think at times i have no controll over what i put in my mouth i am disgusted with my self to the point i wish i could slap myself! but i got myself together earlier and vomited til my stomach and sides ached plus i threw away my lunch and breakfast. tommorow will be a good day i guarantee it. i read all the posts on here and i feel truely envious of some of these girls will power they are truely inspirational and deserve to get to their goal. i wish that i could be them and i wish that i had the will power and the strength to just not eat for days and days, maybe they want it more than me is that the problem?? i dont think i want any thing more in my life, the pictures are incredible these girls are beautiful and truely model perfect,i cant wait for the day that i wake up and see myself- the real me- delicate and tiny framed thin and beautiful. bring it on!!!

a new day!!!!

2007-02-25T21:56:33Z

tommorow wil be a good day. my fiance jason goes back to work (he's a teacher so has been off all week for half term)this means that i dont have to worry about "family lunches" and "family dinners" its just me and my little boy - its funny i cook him lovely meals that are healthy and great for him and im fine with that but when it comes to cooking a proper adult dinner i seem to have no will power- i cave in. well not this time, i have stocked up on sugar free jelly and rice cakes in the day and low fat noodles for dinner if i have to be seen to eat!!! i find that ice cubes really help if im craving something desperatly! by the time that i have eaten three or four my mouth is so cold it stops wntimg the food!!!

i find it easy to go all day with out a thing but then it gets to 8pm and im really hungry so ive decided if i know this is gunna happen i will eat at 7pm (low fat anything!) then have a bath at 8pm for half an hour them come on to here for a while then bed!!!

i feel much more positive seeing every one on here, i have to stick to this or you will all think that i am the one who failed.... i will not fail its just not a word im happy with!!!

ames2001 @ 2007-02-25T21:15:00

2007-02-25T21:14:21Z

hi there, im kind of new to this site but i thought id write any how, i know exactly what you are going through i have great days where i feel totaly in control, that rush is worth it all but then a situation comes along and it ruins it all, i over eat and then feel as though something takes over me and bullies me into reaching for more food, i feel like im suffocating and i feel disgusting. in desperation i make myself sick and yell at myself in the mirror that i am in control and temptation will not beat me for i am better that that! i had bulimia for years when i was at school surviving on diet coke and chewing gum for weeks on end, i felt amazing, i was a uk size 6-8 until i reached 17 and then went to college and settled down with my now fiance we had a lazy lifestyle... tv dinners, cinema, drinking then i had a baby and i was at my heaviest 10 stone 8lbs!!!!disgusting especially when i am only 4'10inches!!!!! i got down to 8stne 5lbs and it stayed off for a year but then i seemed to let go and lost all controll now at just over a disgusting 9half stone i am on a mission, butlike i said i did it before and i will again, but who can i ask for help? who to talk to on days when its all gone wrong? who to encourage me to just keep going? i battle with myself day in day out my own worst enemy. im on sugar free jelly at the min, no cals and no fat. i guess i joined this site cos this journey is so lonely, exhillarating at times but a struggle also i know it will be worth it all, i just wanted to share the journey with others who are on the same road. sorry for waffling on!!!!